I love that we have so many people from both ends here, who are speaking up in such a loving way.

I can still not stress enough the importance of newcomers to stay in meetings for at least 5 years. AA will save your life, if you let it - just don’t let it start running your life once you get it back.  Like all of the things in our lives, that one is also a choice. The problem is not AA, the problem is our natural tendency to take everything to extremes. We are still addicts!

And I love you all!

First of all, I am, indeed, still clean and sober. I am still in individual and group therapy, so my mental health is being attended to; and I find that opportunities to “give back” arise even outside the rooms of AA. I regularly offer support to many people who both attend and don’t attend meetings for their particular addictions. It almost seems that my staying away has created a singular opportunity for me to be of service to those who may never find it in themselves to walk through the doors. Though, I most certainly encourage them to do so.

I am so impressed with the diversity of comments to my posts. I truly love recovering addicts! They are so very real. By the way, I use the term “addict” to describe anyone with the disease of addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc. Because, ultimately, we are all the same: same problem, different drug of choice.

James, you are so right, we do need to go outside of the rooms for the other things in our lives. Thank you for pointing out that the book encourages us to do so!

Kristy, keep up the good fight and come back and check in on us occasionally, please!

Sandy, I love your message. That is it in a nutshell! We need to be true to ourselves, not acting as though we have the answers to anyone else’s problems. I found in my last days of attending meetings that all I was doing was rebutting the “sick” messages I was hearing from those “gurus.” And, frankly, that is one thing that does still grate at me, is that I am not in a chair still doing that. Jean, you hit on this message, too. I cry each time I hear of another addict suicide; and it especially infuriates me when it is because they could not get what they needed from meetings.

Thank you, Vincent; but I like to think this is more thought out than just being able to “call the shots.” Like all addicts, I am self-centered and selfish, and want nothing more than to be the director, producer, and actor of my play called life (as the big book talks about). One of the most important lessons that the program taught me was that the control was just an illusion. That when I made it about something bigger than myself, I was able to learn to let go and believe that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Not that I am disagreeing with your decision to “fire” sponsors who do not have what you want - that is such an important message: that not all people in those rooms are healthy. Ian hits on this point perfectly, that “some of us are sicker than others.” The trick is to know the difference.

Cal, you certainly hit on a particularly touchy subject for many people - that idea of religion verses spirituality. More important, however, is the point you make about many of the steps going against your personal beliefs. As “enlightened” beings, we really should value and respect everyone’s personal beliefs - not just the ones that conveniently agree with our own. I used to say (before I got sober) that I was open minded to anything I agreed with. Hmm, closed minded, indeed. It is meant to be a program of honesty, like you say, and if doing the steps felt dishonest to you, than you probably made the right choice. However, I cannot stress enough how I would not encourage anyone with less than 5 years to stay away from meetings. Maybe there is an agnostic meeting near you?

Cypress, I found myself in a lot of grief when I made the decision to stop attending meetings. After all, AA has been a loyal friend to you for a very long time. I hope you are getting support elsewhere - like group therapy or something. There are other ways for us to connect to people out there, and isolation is a dangerous thing for us.

Thank you all for your comments. It is important to me to stay connected with other addicts on some level. I still need you guys! I am hoping to be better about approving comments and posting; but if I am not, I give you permission to call me on it straight away!

Peace & Love,

Dee

Stephen’s comment, however, concerned me. One thing I hoped to get across in my first post is that I have 9 solid years without a single relapse. When I first got sober 12 years ago, Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. I maintained sobriety for 2 and a half years before meeting someone in the rooms who turned me on to meth. I stayed out there for 8 months on that stuff and nearly lost my life and my mind; but I never took a drink of alcohol. Many people in the rooms told me not to change my sobriety date when I came back. But I insisted - relapse is relapse - period. So, the short of it is that I do not consider myself a chronic relapser - far from it, actually. I have not had a drink since my first meeting 12 years ago, and have not touched narcotics since my first meeting back from that particular hell.

No, the journey I am on now is a very different one, and I would not recommend it to anyone who cannot stay sober inside the rooms. Alcoholics Anonymous is the solution to getting and staying sober, this I will always hold to. What Alcoholics Anonymous is not, for me anyway, is the answer to all of life’s problems.

The other day I was sitting in a lecture marveling at the fact that I was sitting in the back row. When I first began Graduate school 5 years ago, it seemed necessary that I sit in the front row, inevitably drawing unnecessary attention to myself. Yet here I was today, sitting in the back row just like “any other student.”

When did this happen? I asked myself. When was that moment when I lost that need (nay, obsession) to be something “special?”

When I first came into AA, one of the things that made a serious impression on me was the realization that “I was not unique.” When I heard my story come out of someone else’s mouth for the first time, I cried. I was overwhelmed with relief that I was not alone, coupled with humility like I had never felt before. I was not unique.

Unfortunately, this was not that moment I sought. That is what I sat questioning in class. Had I not lost that sense of uniqueness or entitlement in the rooms of AA?

No. I hadn’t.

You see, inside of the rooms of AA I was not unique; but outside, I most certainly was.

Alcoholics are special. Alcoholics are enlightened. Alcoholics are unique.

How does your relapse serve you?

Peace,

Dee

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I have been sober for 12 years, and clean for 9 – and 2 years ago I made a decision to stop attending meetings. This was not a decision I made lightly or alone. I consulted my individual therapist as well as my process group therapists before moving forward. And I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not recommend this move for just anybody.

What I found was that I no longer thought about drinking, I no longer held onto resentments, I was no longer living in fear. I was, however, still struggling with my interpersonal relationships to the point where suicide was looking like a better and better solution.

And I was feeling inadequate. They would tell me that going to more meetings, reading more literature, talking more to my sponsor, and working more with others would solve my problems. So I did all of that – and more. Still, I could not get past my relationship issues. I would think that there was simply no hope for me if I was doing everything I was supposed to, yet not getting any better.

I was lucky though. I had a therapist who understood how much the program meant to me, and never once suggested I leave until I brought the topic up myself. She knew that it was a place I needed to get to organically – and so I did.

I am hoping that this blog will serve as a way for me to come to terms with the mixed emotions I have around this decision, as well as a place for me to reflect on the lonely road I have traveled: away from Alcoholics Anonymous. And better yet: that I help someone else along the way…