To “The Relapse King”

I had no idea anyone was reading this blog until I got a comment from Stephen Frasier. Thank you, Stephen, for letting me know others are out there.

Stephen’s comment, however, concerned me. One thing I hoped to get across in my first post is that I have 9 solid years without a single relapse. When I first got sober 12 years ago, Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. I maintained sobriety for 2 and a half years before meeting someone in the rooms who turned me on to meth. I stayed out there for 8 months on that stuff and nearly lost my life and my mind; but I never took a drink of alcohol. Many people in the rooms told me not to change my sobriety date when I came back. But I insisted - relapse is relapse - period. So, the short of it is that I do not consider myself a chronic relapser - far from it, actually. I have not had a drink since my first meeting 12 years ago, and have not touched narcotics since my first meeting back from that particular hell.

No, the journey I am on now is a very different one, and I would not recommend it to anyone who cannot stay sober inside the rooms. Alcoholics Anonymous is the solution to getting and staying sober, this I will always hold to. What Alcoholics Anonymous is not, for me anyway, is the answer to all of life’s problems.

The other day I was sitting in a lecture marveling at the fact that I was sitting in the back row. When I first began Graduate school 5 years ago, it seemed necessary that I sit in the front row, inevitably drawing unnecessary attention to myself. Yet here I was today, sitting in the back row just like “any other student.”

When did this happen? I asked myself. When was that moment when I lost that need (nay, obsession) to be something “special?”

When I first came into AA, one of the things that made a serious impression on me was the realization that “I was not unique.” When I heard my story come out of someone else’s mouth for the first time, I cried. I was overwhelmed with relief that I was not alone, coupled with humility like I had never felt before. I was not unique.

Unfortunately, this was not that moment I sought. That is what I sat questioning in class. Had I not lost that sense of uniqueness or entitlement in the rooms of AA?

No. I hadn’t.

You see, inside of the rooms of AA I was not unique; but outside, I most certainly was.

Alcoholics are special. Alcoholics are enlightened. Alcoholics are unique.

How does your relapse serve you?

Peace,

Dee