Leaving Alcoholics Anonymous
This is not an easy blog for me to write, as I still believe with all my heart in the power of Alcoholics Anonymous to help people get and stay sober. However, that is the extent of my belief: that AA helps people get and stay sober. I do not believe in the idea of it being a “design for living.” When I found myself not thinking of drinking, yet contemplating suicide instead, I knew something was wrong.
I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I have been sober for 12 years, and clean for 9 – and 2 years ago I made a decision to stop attending meetings. This was not a decision I made lightly or alone. I consulted my individual therapist as well as my process group therapists before moving forward. And I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not recommend this move for just anybody.
What I found was that I no longer thought about drinking, I no longer held onto resentments, I was no longer living in fear. I was, however, still struggling with my interpersonal relationships to the point where suicide was looking like a better and better solution.
And I was feeling inadequate. They would tell me that going to more meetings, reading more literature, talking more to my sponsor, and working more with others would solve my problems. So I did all of that – and more. Still, I could not get past my relationship issues. I would think that there was simply no hope for me if I was doing everything I was supposed to, yet not getting any better.
I was lucky though. I had a therapist who understood how much the program meant to me, and never once suggested I leave until I brought the topic up myself. She knew that it was a place I needed to get to organically – and so I did.
I am hoping that this blog will serve as a way for me to come to terms with the mixed emotions I have around this decision, as well as a place for me to reflect on the lonely road I have traveled: away from Alcoholics Anonymous. And better yet: that I help someone else along the way…
February 20th, 2006 13:05
So what’s up? I want to hear more about your thoughts. I’ve thought along those lines more times than I can count; after all, I am known in some circles as the Relapse King.
Lay some more on us.
My current relapse hell is being documented on my blog at www.atlantarecovery.org.
Good luck
S
March 16th, 2006 06:27
I have been clean and sober the same amount of time.
I agree with you and disagree at the same time,let me explain.
I too have found that A.A> and N.A. do not fill my every need,and have drifted away over the years.
I am not as active as I once was and likely will never be.
I do still maintain my ties though because I still need to give it away to keep it,I do not go to meetings to “get” anything anymore,I go to “give”.
It is a common myth in A.A. that those who drift away or leave meetings altogether get drunk,this is not true.
Some people simply move on to other things,maybe religion,maybe they get involved with some other form of social activity and giving,christianity,whatever.
A.A. gives us a foundation,that’s it,we are sober and able to maintain it,building our life happens outside of A.A.,we rejoin society.
What I am saying is that A.A. only addresses one part of my life,I must go outside it for other things,the big book says this.
I see people who make A.A. their whole life,social circle,dating circle,everything circle,and eventually they leave because it becomes stagnant,it was never meant to be this in the first place.
April 27th, 2006 05:12
Hmmmmmmmmmm Im a 26 year old young female member of AA. Ive been in and out and back and back out again. Ive been a stayer for a long time now..also come from an alkie home and so as you can imagine, i wanna save you all..lol.
I seek professional help outside for problems other than alcohol. Alkies speak the same language of the heart, though we are different biologically. I wish the best to you all on your journeys, I wont argue with anyones higher power, I certainly dont know whats good or bad for you..how could I?? I am here though and more than willing to be a listener to anyone..you know though..I read that someone said they were no longer going to meetings to ‘get’, but to ‘give’..well ill never stop recieving in the fellowship, because just having others share gives me just what i need, i am grateful to your honesty here today. Thanks!
July 26th, 2007 05:17
Interesting. I have been clean and sober for 20 years. I still go to meetings, but not that often. Sometimes I won’t go for 3 months, and then other times I may go every week for a few months. I go to meetings to give, but many times I get something in return. I don’t believe in the myth that meeting makers make it, because it depends on what you mean by making it. Does it mean that you are staying dry and clean (not drinking or drugging), or does it mean that you are sober (sound thinking and balanced). As humans on this planet, we will always have our struggles and issues in life which is a normal part of humanity. There are many people in A.A. who are not drinking, but they are sex addicts, food addicts, shopping addicts and drama addicts. That is NOT recovery. I think most of us need more than just A.A. We certainly need spirituality in our life and most of us need therapy so that we can examine our fears and reactions to life. Some people need medication, some people need hormones, some people need to get a life. Let’s face it, most of us in A.A. are self-centered and we operate out of fear.
I have seen many control freaks in A.A. who try to be arm chair therapists and tell everyone what they need, and try to be big book gurus. They key is working the steps for ourselves, examining our inner thoughts and reactions, and learning that everything in life is not about us. We learn to respond to life, not be victims, and own our issues and not cast blame on everyone else.
I don’t buy many of the messages that I hear in A.A. especially the one that if you don’t go to meetings you will drink. I know people who go to tons of meetings and I don’t want anything that they have to offer. The key is working the steps, examining our own inventory, having a spiritual life, and sticking with the winners. We are all trying to find our way in life and after 20 years in the program I don’t feel like I have to be in analysis paralysis anymore.
Make the decisions that feel right for you and don’t buy into other people’s programming. If you choose not to go to A.A. that’s o.k. It doesn’t mean that you are doomed to a life of drinking and misery.
Like the coin says “To thine own self be true” Find your own truth, and be kind, gentle and loving with yourself.
Best to you!!
September 6th, 2007 10:20
well done!!!I left ALL twelve step groups apart from aca and it was the best thing I ever did.I got my MIND back.I now make decisons without consulting ANYBODY.What great freedom.I screw up like everyone does, but nobody, no sponsor, no programme member and certainly no “life design”programme that was written decades ago.Life is getting better and better,and yes I give all the orders in my own life, I call the shots, not have them called by some crazy sponsor who is either a batterer, controller or still doing some other addiction.You did the right thing.
October 11th, 2007 15:04
I have been sober for 10 years, and AA had a huge role in my continuous recovery and new lease on life.
However, ’some of us are sicker than others’ and I also got a lot of outside counseling when I first got sober. It made a huge difference.
I also know people in AA who remain as fucked after a decade as they were when they came in and I agree with you that AA is not necessarily a model for living. That has to come from within. But, sobriety helps me to carry out such introspection.
November 8th, 2007 05:58
After three years of sobriety I realised that instead of contributing to my recovery, the meetings I was attending were actually whittling away at my sense of self.
It is not AA that is at fault here, it is simply the fact that the program I had worked almost fanatically contained many elements that did not sit right with my own principles and beliefs.
This is not to say that I believe the program to be in any way wrong or dangerous - far from it. As a psychological exercise to rid ones’ self of a lifetime of dishonest behaviour and the guilt & shame associated with it the 12 Steps are probably unparalleled.
I do believe however that it IS a religious program. I do not speak out of ignorance - I worked the twelve with a sponsor and did all the actions suggested including two home groups a week with service (everything from tea maker to Secretary) at both for three years.
I have heard every single argument for the side that states it is purely a spiritual program, I myself made this argument many times in order to welcome in sceptical newcomers.
That’s the problem for me you see.
Everything I was doing was done dishonestly - the adage “fake it to make it” actually translates as “tell lies and be dishonest to yourself and others”, when you believe as I do that praying, reading a book daily that talks of God constantly, writing lists of your “defects” i.e 7 deadly sins etc etc constitutes not just a religious program but an actual religion.
I can’t “fake it” anymore. I still attend meetings on occasion to catch up with mates in AA, but I have many many friends outside of AA as well as a satisfying career and a ‘normal’ life.
Please don’t get me wrong here - I would and do advise anybody who is struggling with alcohol to attend AA, if nothing else it teaches you about the mindset that leads us to perform the insane act of poisoning ourselves. Some do have real epiphanies and spiritual experiences that lead to long and happy recovery. For me it helped to teach me to come out of my self-centredness, but as a design for life? No - it’s just not me.
I have gratitude in buckets, but after two possibly certifiably insane “super sober” sponsors, and some very bad experiences with AA politics and some very sick people the fact is that I now look on it as an emergency back up - if I feel myself ever going down that slippery slope again.
I feel that to be extremely unlikely though - it truly is an inside job for me now.
Will you drink if you stop going to meetings? Only if you WANT to drink. The one thing meetings cannot do is control your cravings, and if I thought that dusty church hall was the only thing standing between me and the hell I went through (chronic liver disease) with booze then I’d be there right now.
Keep happy, make friends - stay cool.
Peace.
November 25th, 2007 17:10
I find myself going of going to the meetings…… but I still do believe in in the pinciples behind the 12 steps…… So I have made a descison to stand back from going to so many meetings…. A big stand back!! I also feel a bit sad about it and the descision was only made today after listening to wrong information from a top table, that I have heard it time and time again… Get to plenty meetings, dont lift the first drink and you wont get drunk, Living sober, with untreated alcoholisim can be life threatning, to the alcoholic, and has been!!!… We have had three suicides in the last three months…. So wrong information is killing people….If we can stay sober in the rooms of AA we can stay sober anywhere…. The only thing thats true in AA is the literature!! God is looking after me anyway and always has done… I just did not know it, the poor wee soul that came in through the doors of AA has grown up, and will continue to grow…. My love to all of you Jean xx
November 26th, 2007 17:51
Glad to hear others questioning AA and the tall pillar of “this is the only way”. I have been active in it and sober for 27 years. However, I have been the type that was ushered into AA through another 12 program and consulted to believe that I was a potential alcoholic, if I was any kind of addict. My primary addiction and disfunction has been food my whole life. A well meaning sponsor slid over into AA from OA years ago and me right behind her, codependency wasn’t well thought out in those days nor understood. I have been given the inner promptings to leave AA for about an year or two. It wasn’t until this fall that I decided in the spirit of being really honest with myself about my real issues did I stop going to AA. AA itself is an addiction; lets face it its entertaining and they/we laugh alot. I feel that I made the right decision and yet I miss it or what I use to make of it. I’m in a phase of redefining my life and this huge step is a break with the past. Good findings to all who find themselves with the same delemma.
Cypress
November 26th, 2007 18:58
Thank you all for such wonderful input. You have inspired be to write more!
November 27th, 2007 04:37
Good luck. I too am not quite sure about AA. But it is a sort of “secret society” that I cannot believe more people don’t know about.
My story is I am the spouse of an alcolholic. My story is like everyone elses’…. I am desperate. I am up and down.
My story is here http://alanondiary.blogspot.com/
I hope my story, for the spouses of alcolholics, can be used in some way to provide solice, that you are not alone.
I do recommend Al-Anon. There are a lot of good and decent people who are affect by alcohol or some drug addiction. I do feel for the addict. But the addict may never ever know nor understand the pain and confusion that rocks the house of those who live within the walls with the afflicted.
Peace to all of you. May you find help.
Signed Joe - Spouse of the AA person
December 2nd, 2007 07:09
I wish you good luck, too. I’ve not drunk for 20 years and I left AA nearly 4 years ago, and it was the best thing I ever did since stopping drinking many years before. I had gone as far as I could with AA after about 3.5 years into sobriety (and I will give it due credit for those early years), but I stuck with attending AA meetings, etc. as I could not imagine my life without involvement in it. That changed (and how!). I still don’t drink and I’m much, much happier since leaving AA. Indeed, involvement in AA was badly aggravating existing (and quite intense) psychological problems (which I hadn’t resolved by being in AA); and since leaving I have made steady and consistent progress in all areas of my life. I only regret not leaving AA earlier.
December 4th, 2007 02:28
Ive just identified that I am alcoholic, also very depressed and generally in bad way. I understand that drinking is what I do to mask what makes me hurt - but not sure what that is yet, psychiatric support is coming. I’m scared to read that AA may not be a good thing, but maybe if I’m just starting it’s the answer. I can’t lose any more of my life to doing something that’s really bad for me. I need help.
December 4th, 2007 06:23
JMac,
I cannot stress enough that AA IS a good thing if what you need to do is get and stay sober! AA saved my life by helping me do just that. My issues with the program have to do with other aspects of my life - not my sobriety. If I started thinking about drinking again, I would head right back! Please, please go to meetings - you will not lose anymore of your life if you do! And also understand that my decision not to go to meetings anymore came after 12 years of continuous sobriety, I do not recommend it for anyone with fewer than 5 years.
December 28th, 2007 10:57
I have been sober for over 11 years and started my sobriety by attending AA regularly. Over the years I have gotten away from attending meetings as much. I believe like many others that AA is not the only way to remain sober, there are other methods and other avenues. I think AA is a wonderful program and I don’t know where I would be today if I hadn’t walked through the doors of AA in April 1996. Keeping healthy, exercise, good eating habits are also a key to a healthy recovery. I still use many of the tools I learned in AA on a daily basis.
December 29th, 2007 15:21
After many years of sobriety, I decided that AA wasn’t the only way to remain sober. When I was first getting sober it was great, but I got away from the arm chair quarterbacks and the cult like feelng and repetitiveness of it. There are many other avenues to take other than AA.
February 7th, 2008 08:08
I’m in my sixth year of AA recovery and also have been going to therapy for the last four of those years. Over the course of the last two years I have been experiencing a growing ambivalent about the usefulness of the program. Yes many people can be in AA for many years, even decades and suffer from repeated relapses. These individuals for some reason cannot shake the obsession. But many do lose the obsession to drink.
My observations is that for many of those who have lost the obsession to drink and have long term sobriety, AA becomes more of a social circle than anything. Losing the obsession and having 20 years sobriety is not the same as saying the individual is well. Amongst addicts and alcoholics there is a much greater percentage of individuals with serious mental illnesses, most often personality disorders (narcissism, borderline, histrionic, depressive disorders etc.) This is a fact born out by the dual diagnoses made in drug and alcohol rehabs. Statistics show that about 25% of those admitted into rehab suffer from a coexisting mental disorder. If this is true in rehabs its likely to be also true in AA.
In the first years I threw myself into the AA program, took the suggestions, read voraciously, worked on the steps with a sponsor etc. I found life to settle into a normalcy after several years. I shook the embarassment of and humiliation I had when I first started the program. In combination with my therapy (with a drug and alcohol counselor who does individual therapy) I found myself feeling pretty good.
AA also gave me a place to begin seeking friends. However what I am finding in the groups in my home town a very malicious social system especially noticable amongst the women. After I began AA recovery I coordinated an intervention for my wife, and she’s now in her 4th year of alcohol recovery. My wife is far more social than I am and has suffered from some very serious conflicts and interactions with the women’s network in our home group. As we got better we integrated ourselves more and more into the group socially. Some two years ago several members mounted an emotional assault on my wife. My wife tends to be more sensitive to social criticism than me but what these women did put my wife in an emotional state that jeopardized her sobriety…my wife had maybe a year or even less in the program at the time.
I was infuriated by what was completely inappropriate behavior amongst the more senior of the women behind the assault. I discussed this situation with my counselor who wondered what might be wrong with our group. Since that time I have personally experienced similar treatment but not as extreme or overt. The thought has crossed my mind that AA might have served its purpose and now could possibly be doing more damage than good.
My wife and I grew up in and spent much of our lives in a tight nit out of the main stream religious system in which the social system of the congregation was toxic. It took us many years to decide that the religion we were attending was not healthy or beneficial to us and stopped attending. For several years now I have been realizing that AA is looking more and more similar to the religion I spent most of my life in from childhood well into my adult years.
I actually will be seeing my counselor today and will make a point of discussion with him about this.
February 16th, 2008 17:39
First of all let me state that I found this blog by way of searching for some support for alcoholics that have left AA. I care deeply for anyone suffering the grief of loss of companionship and fear of abandonment.
I believed all I was told when I first joined AA nine years ago and I got involved at nearly very level, but then I began to realise things did not quite add up. People in positions of authority were “bending the rules” and being dishonest, charismatic sponsors were controlling others, decent honest people were being bullied and if you asked too many questions or criticised, your own sobriety was called into question
The reality for me was so unpleasant I began to wonder how such hypocrites and control freaks were staying sober.
After many nights of lost sleep and worry I realised what my problem was, my problem was I had taken my own recovery more seriously than most and I had put more effort into seeking truth.
Then a profound realisation came over me that I had become dependent on a corrupt group of people that would not take kindly to being challenged on their honesty, sincerity or their own personal motives. My illness had manifested itself as codependency, and as we probably all know this is a relationship between abuser and and abused; and I kept placing myself in a position to be abused. So what does that make AA?
There are some very positive aspects of AA such as mutual support and identification, but I have now done the about turn with regard to the program, (the steps). Strangely as it may seem, it has been by working the program to the best of my ability that I have realised that certain parts (most notably the 1st and the 12th steps) are contrived to make one dependent on AA and are not spiritual in any way.
Spiritual principals such as self-examination, confession, restitution, humility, reflection etc are as old as the hills and while they may contribute heavily to sustaining a healthy mental state one does not have to join AA to find this out.
However with so many people espousing the 12 step program yet not leading a very spiritual existence themselves makes one question what good it was doing; I am motivated to live a spiritual life anyway, and I am quite certain that AA didn’t get me sober, it was only making me feel worse. I didn’t have any problems outside of AA, so why not leave? The reason was I was afraid, I was afraid they were right and that I might get drunk because I needed AA. Finally I decided to try giving AA a break for a while, since then my AA “friends” don’t talk to me, some friends!
It was scary, but that’s what I did and I feel a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
It is going to take a long time to come to terms with the grief though, which is why I think there should be a support group for people that have left AA - (does anyone know of one, or would like to start one, is this one?)
After much research I am of the view that the AA program is no more than a placebo effect; people get sober when they really want to, and if they really want to get sober they will do anything you tell them will work, they become convinced it will work, so it does. It was my personal experience that I was ready when I was ready and not before, since coming to AA and doing as I was told I stayed sober and the AA program has been taking the credit for it ever since.
I wouldn’t have a problem with this except that the AA sponsors and hardcore members are saying if you do not take this placebo and you are alcoholic you will die of alcoholism. I have come to my senses, I do not need AA to stay sober, but this experience has left me feeling quite naturally with a lot of ill feeling
It is estimated that about 95 percent of people that try AA don’t stay, they move on to try something else, they may be desperate, suicidal, hopelessly confused, but after attending AA the idea that they are powerless to do anything about their condition is planted. Nobody knows how many people have died because of this and AA does not seem to care about you if you reject the program. This is something I find thoroughly irresponsible. AA would be good if they really did keep it simple and only share with each other their personal experience and forget about what Bill Wilson thought. That’s one more good reason why there should be a support group for people that have left AA.
Take care of yourselves
Ted
March 24th, 2008 13:30
I am sober for 13 years and some change and have been contemplating leaving AA for about a year now. If I leave, it will be because I cannot bear to hear the trite expressions and slogans as if they are an answer to all of my problems any longer. Additionally, I think that a majority of people in AA are very stunted in their growth. Recovery, for me, is about much more than not taking a drink, and I do not believe that I am a success today if I do not take a drink. That seems so cowardly to me. I want more than AA has to offer. Please join me on my blog, if you wish: http://selfexposedtoself.blogspot.com/
March 28th, 2008 18:47
Keep in mind that there are actually two distinct schools of recovery within AA.
There is old school AA which stress’s the importance of the spiritual program and the 12 steps designed to teach the spiritual principles necessary for the “real alcoholic” (who has lost the power of choice) to stay sober.
Then there is new school AA which uses psychological “ticks and tips” such as slogans and self-help therapy to motivate the “certain hard drinker” to choose to not drink on day at a time.
If AA does not work for you, perhaps it is because you mistakenly enrolled in the wrong school. I made this mistake for the first two years that I attended meetings and as a result my life did not get better like the half-measures crowd said it would.
It was not until I understood that “sobriety was not enough” (as Bill Wilson states at least three times in the Big Book) that my life started to become fully acceptable on life’s terms..
Serenity is the real goal of the spiritual program. The new school students will vigorously deny this because they merely want their old life back without changing their principles.
Real alcoholics need to be comfortable in their own skin before sobriety can begin to work for them. It is the principles and not the meetings that make us happy, joyous and free.
April 1st, 2008 23:01
JMac,
i have been thinking along the same lines. The friends I have made in AA and the sense of community, are fabulous. However, the doctrine that lowers self esteem, denigrates the individual, the self, and enourages one to stop thinking and to somehow live on autopilot, like a zombie, are alien to me, and I must leave. It messes with my head to know I am attending a semi-cult group that wants me to hate myself. Why would an individual allow any form of negative force into their lives? Yet, we repeat like zombies “my thinker is broken”, “My best thinking got me here”, “you can’t fix the mind you’ve got with the mind you’ve got”. I would rather stay sober and be a dry drunk. Or even better, go to church, be charitable, tolerant, gregarious, sober, and learn to make a load of money, stay fit and go catch a lot of shows and dinner parties with my lovely wife. Or should I do ninety and ninety, get a commitment, and pray for god’s will. AA teaches me many good things, and those i wish to hold on to. I simply need to distance myself from the self-nullifying fake humility that is so cult-like in the fellowship.
April 11th, 2008 12:56
I have made the decision to stop attending AA after over 17 years of continuous sobriety. The reasons are manifold, but primarily I feel I can’t accept a lot of what I see going on inside the halls. The list is long: sexual predators, sociopaths, court ordered attendance, and cultish adherence to a lot of misinformation. I too feel free. Do I plan to drink again? Probably not. I have learned to live soberly and contently over the years.
April 12th, 2008 12:23
Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU ! to all of you who have echoed my thoughts and addressed what I am feeling.
I have been in the program for almost 3 years and while it was the best thing for me in my first year ~it gave me a place to go every night and out of trouble, I met new people and did service back to back for 18 months I literally ate and slept it, but I don’t feel that way anymore and have been struggling NOT with my sobriety, but with the desire to move on. I do not agree with many of the principles of the program and am now feeling and being hypocritical in pretending to. I find it next to impossible to share because I am not comfortable sharing a different opinion, because it is never appreciated.
I have a sponsor who is the best out of the 4 I’ve had, but sponsors are NOT therapists and are not always well themselves.
AA gave me the place to get sober and stay sober, but I also had alot to do with that and still do, something that AA opposes the thought of. It also allowed me to examine myself which got me to an addiction doctor that is helping immeasurably and in all the ways AA can not and should never hold themselves out to.
I have made the decision to leave AA and my decision has been in the works for months, not come to on a whim. I feel empowered finally because I know I am doing what is right for me, just as I felt empowered in my decision to go to AA in the first place.
Thank you all again, because I couldn’t find anyone to talk to about how I felt about what I truly feel and here you all were.
I’m looking forward to the next stage in a continued productive and emotionally healthy sober life, now with the help of an addiction Dr.
I will miss some of the people I met ( a handful) and what saddens me the most is that many of them are afraid they are going to “catch” what I have, stop going to meetings and relapse.
I wish everyone good emotional sobriety and highly recommend the program of AA to anyone that is just beginning a new wonderful sober life .
April 12th, 2008 17:30
Ted,
Yes, one of the concerns and fears I had in deciding to leave AA, was not having the contact and comraderie that I have had with literally that “handful” of members.
I know in my heart of hearts that I have gotten everything I can out of the program and I have had emotionally devestating experiences with 3 out of the 4 sponsors I have had (The third one reduced to me to tears during my 5th, demeaning me and calling me names ~ I left her the next day and was shaken for days after) I too have had utterly inappropriate and childish experiences with other members that were reminicient of junior school antics. I have witnessed behaviour that I swear… on my Dad’d grave… that I have never witnessed during my drinking career.
That said, strangely I kept finding myself back to that niggling fear of… the unknown (?) The sense that my decision to leave AA was going to leave a huge gapping hole in my emotional solar plexis? That is was better to have sick toxic relationships with fellow AA members, than not at all? I mean these were the people I have spent almost 3 years knowing. Maybe it had/has to do more with the task of not relying on the group on any level and going alone. I know I’m up to the task. Change is unsettling, especially when I really believed that I would be a life member.
My sponsor, when I had a serious sit down with her about how I was really feeling from the heart, told me that I could do what I felt was right for me and she was understanding, but reminded me that people often relapse when they stop meetings.(Do I hear FEAR?) I wanted to stay in touch with her and I think her agreement was more lip service, because it already looks like the “fizzel out” has started.
Oh, it’s such a funny place to be. My life is going well otherwise, I have such a healthy perspective, I know where I want to go and I am so empowered by the work I’m doing with my Addiction Dr. yet I feel a loss in leaving AA behind, when in the final analysis, it has been more emotionally destructive than it has been beneficial. What benefits I did receive were in the learning the hard lessons that came from my involvement with some of the very toxic members.
I think there is a part of me that “wishes” that I could be that doe eyed, vulnerable 44 year old child, who believed that EVERYONE in the program had my best interests at heart and were really there for ME, as they told me. Yes I was naive, considering that my drinking had taken me around the block a few times ~ funny ah? I DON”T want to BE that vulnerable naive person again, she is gone for good and thankfully, but on one level I remember how excited I was coming up to the end of the day and looking forward to that reprieve that I always found for that hour and with those people, before I had their “number”.
So Ted, I profoundly understand what you are experiencing and I know for me the issue of abandonment is big and something I am working on with my Dr. and to think that so many members with long term sobriey knew of my abandonment issues and actually played on it.
For me, I recognize that leaving AA for these reasons is proof that I am getting better and am capable of making healthy decisions for myself and my recovery.
Thank you for sharing, you have made me feel understood.
Keep blogging and be well.
April 13th, 2008 13:30
At just about 22 years of sobriety as an active, recovered A.A. member, I can offer this answer as to why I can and do continue in A.A. First, about 18 years ago, I discovered the A.A. that few recognize or discuss today–the original A.A. program as developed in Akron by Bob and Bill and which produced a documented 75% to 93% success rate among seemingly hopeless, medically incurable real alcoholics who went to any lengths to establish their relationship with God. Second, despite the nonsensical writings and talk about higher powers, spirituality, and believing in not-god, there is a rich history of successful reliance on God, cleaning house, and serving others that was the heart of A.A. and still is available. Third, nobody “owns” A.A. Nobody speaks for A.A. And nobody controls the minds of the people who come in and out by the thousands. Fourth, it is just as possible to read the Bible, pray, seek God’s guidance and strength, come to Him through Jesus Christ, obey His will, and help others get straightened out as it was in 1935. Fifth, the key to A.A. is not what somebody says or what somebody does or what somebody claims. They key is trust in God, straightening out your life, and then loving and serving others in and outside the fellowship. Sixth, when Dr. Bob and Bill spoke together on the stage of the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles in March, 1948, they were still harmoniously describing early A.A. Finally, if you are in A,A. and don’t learn and master the contents of the Big Book and Twelve Steps, the history of early A.A., and the biblical principles and practices that personified the precepts of the original A.A, you are missing out on an opportunity that still exists, still “works,” and still can help you move from the depths to the heights. God Bless, Dick B.
April 21st, 2008 04:29
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April 21st, 2008 09:15
I’m a mere 8 months sober. I found this blog because I was looking for something that could help me understand why I have been feeling intimidated by certain aspects of AA. I realise that because I’m sober for such a short time I have to stay and find ways to handle it. But oh boy there’s some control frieks in this fellowship! My now ex sponsor is bi polar. She insisted that I was too - and also insisted that I went to see her psychiatrist. I don’t have that kind of money. My sponsor insisted on paying and said I could pay her back later. I was terrified. My poor dead brother was manic depressive of the most extreme kind. I know it is genetic and therefore I trusted my sponsor and went to her doctor. The psychiatrist asked me loads of leading questions and said I was definitely bo polar and should be on lithium straight away. As it turns out, I’m not bi polar thank God and I’m not on lithium. I chose to listen to my own intelligence. This sponsor then blamed me for her downward spiral into depression. She gave up her sponsorship of me. Good thing too. I would urge anyone who is suffering from alcoholism to go to AA but to take their brain with them. I trusted totally and now I don’t. I’m experiencing the roller coaster ride of years of supressed feelings coming to the surface but I’m reluctant to find another sponsor in a hurry - especially as I’ve been told that I’ll have to do my first 5 steps again with the new one. Who’d have thought that refraining from drinking would be the least of my difficulties! Thank you for letting me vent. I wish I could leave AA but I don’t know of anywhere else to go.
God bless you
Cat
April 21st, 2008 11:52
Cat,
I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you.
I have a number of years under my belt and have seen all kinds of utterly unacceptable behavior in the rooms.
Unfortunately, anyone can offer themselves up as a sponsor and it doesn’t mean that they are well adjusted even with double digit sobriety.
I’m sorry you are having a tough time, but congratulations on 8 months sobriety. That is HUGE and please don’t lose sight of that in the midst of what is going on.
My advice to you CAT, is that AA is not always a safe place and it is laden with some very sick people who may be alcoholic but are also mentally ill, which makes it an unsafe place because no one in the rooms make anyone accountable. There is no one to go to per se, because there is no “board” and no one wants to know about it. heck, someone will likely tell you “not to take their inventory” and to “look at your part in it”. I am saying THAT is wrong.
That said, I think you can give the program a little more time and see if there is someone you can trust that IS on the level or leave now.
I always meet for a coffee with my potential sponsee’s to see if there is a fit and go from there. You should “interview” a few people but exercise caution.
If you have met some “friends” get their numbers and keep in touch with them.
The other option is to leave and find a therapist, maybe someone who deals with addictions so that you start dealing with the roller coaster of feelings that are surfacing and I remember that all to well.
If you have a G.P go to him or her and ask for a referral. If you don’t have a GP, get one, or you can call your local Province or State “College of Physians and ask for the names of Physicians that are taking new patients where you live.
AA is not the only way to deal with alcoholism and it’s not always the right way.
Eat properly, exercise and plan your day every day in the meantime. Stay healthy and stay sober.
Good Luck with everything.
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