Leaving Alcoholics Anonymous

This is not an easy blog for me to write, as I still believe with all my heart in the power of Alcoholics Anonymous to help people get and stay sober. However, that is the extent of my belief: that AA helps people get and stay sober. I do not believe in the idea of it being a “design for living.” When I found myself not thinking of drinking, yet contemplating suicide instead, I knew something was wrong.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I have been sober for 12 years, and clean for 9 – and 2 years ago I made a decision to stop attending meetings. This was not a decision I made lightly or alone. I consulted my individual therapist as well as my process group therapists before moving forward. And I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not recommend this move for just anybody.

What I found was that I no longer thought about drinking, I no longer held onto resentments, I was no longer living in fear. I was, however, still struggling with my interpersonal relationships to the point where suicide was looking like a better and better solution.

And I was feeling inadequate. They would tell me that going to more meetings, reading more literature, talking more to my sponsor, and working more with others would solve my problems. So I did all of that – and more. Still, I could not get past my relationship issues. I would think that there was simply no hope for me if I was doing everything I was supposed to, yet not getting any better.

I was lucky though. I had a therapist who understood how much the program meant to me, and never once suggested I leave until I brought the topic up myself. She knew that it was a place I needed to get to organically – and so I did.

I am hoping that this blog will serve as a way for me to come to terms with the mixed emotions I have around this decision, as well as a place for me to reflect on the lonely road I have traveled: away from Alcoholics Anonymous. And better yet: that I help someone else along the way…